Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again