if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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