Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
