Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
