Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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