I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
