The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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