Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
