my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
