Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
