Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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