And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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