I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
