I CAN MOONWALK!
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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