he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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