Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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