This is not my ceiling
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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