remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
