I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize