My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
