my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
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