grandma shit on top of the toilet
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
