Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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