Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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