my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
tell me about the eggs
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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