I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Randomize
