i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?