I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Deaf chicks here I come
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
two words...techno handjob
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.