Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
