so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
