I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
