is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
