i wish starbucks made bloody marys
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
