Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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