So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY