you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"