I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
COCAINE IS GR8
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
