K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
