Cold hands, warm shart.
Four minutes until I can fart!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
did i walk over a car last night?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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