Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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