btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
