My sheets look like a crime scene.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
