Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
