she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
