I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
