life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
