Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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