She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
