You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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