all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize