i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
