Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
