I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
