My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
