Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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