Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
