I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
