how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
