I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
