I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
