her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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