i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
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