how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize