mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
